I share this the other days and because I was a bit sick I didn’t get a chance to read it more into and give you guys my view. The hardest place I see this happening in my is my work life and in my own inner self. Some times it a hard process for me what is autism and what is just plain trauma. When I was in college both in Mn and Pa. I know I masked big time, It was hard enough dealing with my own feeling and change. It was really hard to in dealing with dating and social stuff. People love it when I go out with them but for the most part, is really makes overwhelmed to be those places where one you have to act a certain way to fit that social nom and them be yourself. large gatherings like the church have the same feeling to me. I still get lost in all the rules of who I am supposed to be. One of the gifts for me has been seeing a Therapist who works me to help unmask myself she doesn’t tell me what to do, She lets me define myself of whom I am growing up to be. You see I learned over the last few weeks that ok to take the mask off it ok to show my beautiful side. But also ok to protect my self to find that place within me that wants loves. I spent a lot of my life not trusting etc. Like I said it hurt a lot but I come to a place where that by burning out and asking for help I can grow into a new person who doesn’t need to hide but can protect himself and be safe while still sharing who he is. my hope is for others is that same thing but for the younger generation of people with autism even any gen we need to do better at creating an emotional space where truth safe unmasking can happen thanks.
So have a request I want to say an on my facebook a kind of interview of people with autism and their families to talk about the different etc, It would all be done live or we could tape it first and show it or do a post on my page if you didn’t feel safe doing live etc. The ideas here Is I want to show different sides etc, It would be based a lot on what I talk about anyway but deeper, no worries about hard subject etc I would based all interviews based on where the person level etc is and some times would write out questions but I like just going with the flow so any takers even if you don’t have autism etc but want to share some your idea on changing the world I want to hear from message me or just post down below if your interested thanks. I am looking for others who are gay and have autism
So today is Easter. so happy easter. I had to chance to watch the Mr. Rogers doc on HBO. One of the messages that taught is how sometimes we need to tell kids of what going on in this world and how sometimes we need to listen to them. Sometimes we don’t like what we hear, I know that true with me. I love how Mr. Rogers talked to kids. It opens up something in me. Some, you know I leaving my job and I will leave Mpls public schools. I decided I love working with kids but It takes a lot of me. I still working out what is next for me but it thinks it going to be in the field of lobbying etc or something in that area. I still want to volunteer in the classroom, I know I will always place there. I still want to hear the voices of the students that I work with. Some times that gets lost. I am sad I am leaving, I still working on that part I have like 38 days or something like that. But I know whatever I do I will carry somethings so Powerful which called empathy and love. It something for a long time I struggle with how powerful it is in me. How much love I have for kids and other people. I saw that Mpls wasn’t that place for me to express that idea of who I am sometimes it hurts me in my own body. This first time in while I been able to put this into words. It still new to me of these feeling but I know that as I work too long in retail. I know that working at a level 4 isn’t the place for me. Like I said I don’t know what is next but I am going to finish out the year and work with a few mentors and a job coach and let you all know thanks. The one thing I know that I need to work on my self and my old idea of what it means to love my neighbor and to in sense what I learned in church today to remove the stone in my life so I can work on how I heal that part of me that got hurt as a kid. thanks
so I did autism galley walk on Thursday and had a blast. I got to see some people I haven’t seen in a while and got some new ideas to back to my school. More on this later. On Friday I got asked to help in another class for the whole. I am was super touched never been asked to do that in my job before. It was tough but I got through it. One of the most powerful for me was to truthy be there for the students. I felt there fear etc and yet I stood by them. I breathe with a few of them. I talked to about listening and on Thursday I even help take one of the students in my class home because she was sick and she trusted me. There is something so powerful about the work I am doing not just with them but on me. I have found new things to heal and I found that it all going to be ok. I just need to keep moving forward living in my old ways isn’t going to help. These kids are teaching me how to live in the now. one of the other things this week taught me that we are both not broken. We all need to teach each other how to trust and how to heal. Its hard work. Some times it breathing with them. So times it showing for how it takes that there are safe people out there who care and some times it not saying anything at all and just being there for that person. Thursday taking that student home very few words were said I just told her to trust me, Today I am tired but I know that I deep down I need happen that both days happened. Being tested by all the students I work with teaches me something they want to feel safe and we all want to feel that. So I when I get tested I need to see the lesson in that they are trying in their way asking to feel safe or whatever they want. Sometimes it just to be heard in a safe space. The kids I work don’t always have a safe space in which to process. We some time in education deal with time as we have 6 hrs in school day but our kids need more than math etc. They need a place to heal and be safe thanks. One more point sometimes the lesson isn’t what on the board or what on the paper in front of us. It what happening to us inside and what happening to students inside
today I am reflecting on how far I come from a few years ago. I learn the other day that I more able to express my voice and know what I want to set my boundaries more. Which is an amazing gift for me. The one thing that I think it tough for any is Boundaries. I work with students who at the age where the only place they can show their power sometimes is with us the SEA or any other support staff. it sometimes comes off as a protest but as am learning it ok to let them to these because they are learning that you safe. the students I work with in class am in, have trouble with expression it doesn’t come easily to them. AS my friend Tony Quách said in my last post “Some individuals don’t have enough support or the right support to succeed in life. A lot of times, as educators, we pour our heart and soul to better the lives of students. The job continues at home and of parents don’t follow through, students struggle. I’ve had students come back from summer and all self-regulation strategies and appropriate supports are forgotten.” This to me reminds of me. AS an adult as still learning these skills. So I need to stop being hard on my self when I am learning them I come far from I was 2 years ago. it a journey, I am proud of the students who are trying to show their struggles and want us to help but we sometimes give the wrong help. the most important thing is to listen and give them attention when they doing a good thing and healthy things. Sometimes we only do give when it a bad behavior. I know my students are not my friends but they’re a great life teacher for me. I learned so much from them and they are learning a lot from me and I may never see that part of the job but it still gives me joy to know at least I planted the seed to open doors for them. So the moral is sometimes is the small things that matter not the big things, like if one the students take all year to do his name. that fine at least he or she is sitting there and trying to learn. It helps me to see that I should set small goals first the one I know are reachable and then over time I can see the bigger picture.
What on my mind today, I been seeing mental health person for some of my issues. and one the things I have been noticing about myself is how hard I am on myself. and I see how pressure I put on my self around the area of feeling safe. I posted about this before but I as slowly get into more deeper stuff. I see that my life I do affect people but I so not trusting of others that my first reaction to a lot of things it either to trust when it a bad time to trust or not to trust when It a good thing is happening. I as walk this path I really the kids I work with me but I also see that they have their own issues and paths, That is not always about me. I hitting a time in my life where I would love to be a relationship like dating etc but I my issue that I give all my self and it hurts a lot. I try not to do but others tell me that they don’t get know me very well, I don’t like being open to my feeling something and I don’t like feeling vulnerable because of my history of being used but It hard thing for me to get passed. I sharing this all with you as the need to get out in the open but also for me to start on a new path of healing. I learning how to only be safe and share around certain people but it hard sometimes when you get used and for me It taking baby steps to really create a safe space for me. I need to relearn a lot about the idea of what is safe for me and what is not and the rules change a lot for me and I see that in my life. I need to begin to take charge of my life in this way. I been really struggling with this issue lately and could use support and hugs as work some of these issues. There is an also a video which I just posted on FB live