Listening

Today I going to talk about subject that that near and dear to me. It about finding one voice in a community that sometimes is in chaos. The other day I posted a video about love. One of the thing I was reflecting on more is the idea of it being autism awareness month and sometimes I still like we autistic can’t express who we are because we get put in labels etc that don’t away fit who we are. It hard for me sometimes to share because I feel like if I do I get judge or people won’t get the meaning because it so deep, we want to speak our minds etc. sometimes it just takes a while to process what is going on with us. I been struggling with this issue of speaking. It like I have things to say but can’t always put words to them that people would understand. It like my mind goes faster then I can process. I work with kids like that why I understand what it like not to heard. You shut down. In the non autistic community their were rules etc created that suppose to help but in sense made the problem worse. I not blaming I just saying that if you met one autistic person you haven’t met us all. For those non verbal they have a voice too. We all do. Let share with what we need to say with out judgement etc. we are use to protect others from hurt etc that we forget to teach how to have compassion, reasoning skills etc. I Been bully as kid and the pain still there it hurts but over time I been able to work on the healing that need to happen. It slow process but please give us a chance to express our gifts to the world. We can all learn from each other gifts

unmasking

https://themighty.com/2019/10/masking-autism-burnout/?fbclid=IwAR2kiRORhmiijan3BPybRJoZ_qINhNgnTq3BUa_bFUJ5uLVe2RAbQ6LahAA

I share this the other days and because I was a bit sick I didn’t get a chance to read it more into and give you guys my view. The hardest place I see this happening in my is my work life and in my own inner self. Some times it a hard process for me what is autism and what is just plain trauma. When I was in college both in Mn and Pa. I know I masked big time, It was hard enough dealing with my own feeling and change. It was really hard to in dealing with dating and social stuff. People love it when I go out with them but for the most part, is really makes overwhelmed to be those places where one you have to act a certain way to fit that social nom and them be yourself. large gatherings like the church have the same feeling to me. I still get lost in all the rules of who I am supposed to be. One of the gifts for me has been seeing a Therapist who works me to help unmask myself she doesn’t tell me what to do, She lets me define myself of whom I am growing up to be. You see I learned over the last few weeks that ok to take the mask off it ok to show my beautiful side. But also ok to protect my self to find that place within me that wants loves. I spent a lot of my life not trusting etc. Like I said it hurt a lot but I come to a place where that by burning out and asking for help I can grow into a new person who doesn’t need to hide but can protect himself and be safe while still sharing who he is. my hope is for others is that same thing but for the younger generation of people with autism even any gen we need to do better at creating an emotional space where truth safe unmasking can happen thanks. 

 I also wanted to add that in being gay I also did a lot of masking in order to hide who I really was

how you like to help me out

So have a request I want to say an on my facebook a kind of interview of people with autism and their families to talk about the different etc, It would all be done live or we could tape it first and show it or do a post on my page if you didn’t feel safe doing live etc. The ideas here Is I want to show different sides etc, It would be based a lot on what I talk about anyway but deeper, no worries about hard subject etc I would based all interviews based on where the person level etc is and some times would write out questions but I like just going with the flow so any takers even if you don’t have autism etc but want to share some your idea on changing the world I want to hear from message me or just post down below if your interested thanks. I am looking for others who are  gay and have autism

as I start a new chapter

So today is Easter. so happy easter. I had to chance to watch the Mr. Rogers doc on HBO. One of the messages that taught is how sometimes we need to tell kids of what going on in this world and how sometimes we need to listen to them. Sometimes we don’t like what we hear, I know that true with me. I love how Mr. Rogers talked to kids. It opens up something in me. Some, you know I leaving my job and I will leave Mpls public schools. I decided I love working with kids but It takes a lot of me. I still working out what is next for me but it thinks it going to be in the field of lobbying etc or something in that area. I still want to volunteer in the classroom, I know I will always place there. I still want to hear the voices of the students that I work with. Some times that gets lost. I am sad I am leaving, I still working on that part I have like 38 days or something like that. But I know whatever I do I will carry somethings so Powerful which called empathy and love. It something for a long time I struggle with how powerful it is in me. How much love I have for kids and other people. I saw that Mpls wasn’t that place for me to express that idea of who I am sometimes it hurts me in my own body. This first time in while I been able to put this into words. It still new to me of these feeling but I know that as I work too long in retail. I know that working at a level 4 isn’t the place for me. Like I said I don’t know what is next but I am going to finish out the year and work with a few mentors and a job coach and let you all know thanks. The one thing I know that I need to work on my self and my old idea of what it means to love my neighbor and to in sense what I learned in church today to remove the stone in my life so I can work on how I heal that part of me that got hurt as a kid. thanks

my thoughts on healing

Today I was reflexing on the past couple of weeks, even though they have been super painful for me I been able to start an on a journey to being able to create a new space for me in which to deal with tough issues. The thing that was scaring me the most was not being open about all my struggles. then I was just holding it all in trying to process it and that not very healthy at. I learning to be open but also protect myself if get too much for me. I wouldn’t go into a lot of detail a lot of it still being fig out. but I want people to know that I am working really hard right now and it becoming really overwhelming for me. I know their hope, Working with the kids some times I see love. But I what I learn about myself is that my way of processing things doesn’t work the way it uses too. That right now just taking baby steps is ok. I said this time and time again. Maybe I need to hear myself. that is ok to feel the way I feel, I deal with a lot right now. My job is super stressful and some times overwhelming and I, not the only one who feels that way. When stuff comes up for I wasn’t sure what to do with it. I glad I now have a place with my TYispist to finally let things go and create boundaries and expectations with my family and others. That a gift for me is to see that what was missing in my life, I need to grow up and create that space. I don’t know what is going to look like yet but I know that I give myself breaks and see the beauty of what I am doing it been healing. I   am healing in a way that wasn’t expecting. I don’t have to carry this load anymore. THat super powerful for me to see but I also need to boundaries around these issues in order to heal better but also so that I don’t get trigger again. I see that work Ia m doing it tough right now but I am really doing the work needed to change thanks

new lessons on listening to my students

so I did autism galley walk on Thursday and had a blast. I got to see some people I haven’t seen in a while and got some new ideas to back to my school. More on this later. On Friday I got asked to help in another class for the whole. I am was super touched never been asked to do that in my job before. It was tough but I got through it. One of the most powerful for me was to truthy be there for the students. I felt there fear etc and yet I stood by them. I breathe with a few of them. I talked to about listening and on Thursday I even help take one of the students in my class home because she was sick and she trusted me. There is something so powerful about the work I am doing not just with them but on me. I have found new things to heal and I found that it all going to be ok. I just need to keep moving forward living in my old ways isn’t going to help. These kids are teaching me how to live in the now. one of the other things this week taught me that we are both not broken. We all need to teach each other how to trust and how to heal. Its hard work. Some times it breathing with them. So times it showing for how it takes that there are safe people out there who care and some times it not saying anything at all and just being there for that person. Thursday taking that student home very few words were said I just told her to trust me, Today I am tired but I know that I deep down I need happen that both days happened. Being tested by all the students I work with teaches me something they want to feel safe and we all want to feel that. So I when I get tested I need to see the lesson in that they are trying in their way asking to feel safe or whatever they want. Sometimes it just to be heard in a safe space. The kids I work don’t always have a safe space in which to process. We some time in education deal with time as we have 6 hrs in school day but our kids need more than math etc. They need a place to heal and be safe thanks. One more point sometimes the lesson isn’t what on the board or what on the paper in front of us. It what happening to us inside and what happening to students inside

walk I took

So I want to reflex on my walk today how far I come in my life about a few yrs ago before I back to mn. I was in deep depression and everything I tried was pulling me down and when I move back home it took a while for all it to calm down. I still get depressed but from what I learn today that I doing much better with the support I get. I still bury feeling but now I created a safe place in which to share them. I feel through the power of my creator that I open up areas of my life that need to have light shed on them. it has been a rough patch. yesterday I open up again and I knew it would bring things up again but you what I want to heal old self but I also want to create a new self someone who isn’t scared of the world and who is willing to speak his truth when need in space that there for him. That what I see in the school and the camp I work we really need to teach this skill of creating spaces for our kids with and with disables to express who there are. People with autism want to date etc we are sometimes told we can’t because of society view of dating. one of my fav quotes is about it if you met one person with autism, you only met one person. There are so many different people and some many stories don’t try to bunch all together to fit in your perfect world. I like the old idea of putting a round peg in a square hole the more you push it down the more the cracks show. Humans have feeling. and the one thing, I have learned is we need to do better at listening to others and hear their stories and began to let them live the lives they want not the one we create for them thanks

small things

Today I was thinking of the small things I could do to better listen to others. It being kings day. It reminds of the idea of what he fought for was freedom for the things that happen inside of us. Sometimes we forget to express our self and create a place of peace. I want to show compassion to my students one of the ways I started to do this to stop blaming the parents, it not easy because that what sometimes we do in my job. it places blame on something or someone. Refexling on this has shown me that it not a fair system for anyone right now. We need to work on healing as a nation and healing inside all of us. It going to take time and it going to take work. I see the small things I can do. Take time to know my kids don’t rush to trying to fix the problem which is not my problem to fix, Be there for them in there sadness and healing. Sometimes I just need to be there for them no judgment etc. Just be there in the moment teaching them how to breathe how to let go and process what is happening to them. The students I work with it always hard to know what going on with them but I see that I can at least show them what a safe person look like and hopefully when they share with me sometimes it hitting etc. our job is to teach them others ways to express them like breathing etc. Sometimes we are in such a rush that we forget our job our to be there for others and sometimes really listen to what there are teaching us and what we can teach them thanks. Dr king talk a lot overcoming but he also talks a lot of shining our light sometimes it means marching sometimes it just sitting there in the quiet listening to the deep voice of healing

my reflections on education today I work I got into a conversation with Jenny Cramer about the idea and thoughts I had around how is a level of work there are a people getting hurt. and yet it when it reported or talk about it, we told it comes with the job.I seem like a weird idea. that It ok you got hit it comes with the job. or statements like you at this school you so you know you are going to get hit. To me, no one should get hurt at all period. We as a society need to better job of protecting those who work in high-risk schools or even those who work in any school where you can get hit. No one tracks these numbers. I would be interested in j seeing what the rate of being hit. I would also love to see the rate of secondly trama that comes because of it. I know of higher up who got ht in my school district and it got dealt with but it seems to me that it someone who closely with students it ok because it comes with the job. I also see this with the students. here in the County, I live with do have any mental health centers to deal with these kids and their issues they are put in programs out of state or send back to the school in which they came from. How this healthy for anyone involved. I post this because I really want to be a part of the change that is happening too many of my friends are being hurt and we need to start dealing with these issues instead of turning a blind eye to what is going on. Teachers too and social workers etc these are issues facing what is suppose to be a safe place for everyone. I wish I had the answers to solve these issues I don’t. I just don’t like what I am seeing and it sad because I know when I got hurt what I had to go through to get support. I don’t job for the paycheck I do it because I care about the kids but it hard to love your job where you the cycle of people getting treated bad, So what can we all do to help. Start talking about it. Start working through our self-care to see what we need to work on but also start asking questions about this system is the way it is. Some of the kids in my school will end up either in jail or sitting at home. It is our choice how we want to help them thanks